hurt.

its tough sometimes thinking that you're holding onto something that you hate so much just because you have no other option than to rely and depend so greatly on it.

at the same time its tough facing the reality that inside you theres more than just discontent but rather resentment. a civily unnecessary emotion in this sort of context but nonetheless a human emotion. a product of time and events build up layer on layer, left to set in stone.

but after that all, when the day comes to a close and i take at look at the lives and happenings of others i realise that i'm missing so much from this aspect of life that it has taken its toll on my psychological state in terms of other aspects of my life.

every action has an equal and opposite reaction.

the most regrettable part of this whole thing is that i'm 100% aware of my state and why i am the way i am. but the resolution to this state is out of reach. even by a long shot.

even if i did something, sometimes the ball isnt in MY pitch, but someone else's.

even through this every day is a challenge trying to balance what i want to be with what i dont want to be in this delicate balance.

change is a resolution, but change is an ideal too utopic for this context.